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"Slamming" Sam Kekovich saves
the Aussie media business, by Greg Tingle
Folks, it's official..."Slamming" Sam
Kekovich, from ABC The Fat and Radio 3AK breakfast
radio co-cost, has saved the Australian media
business from itself! Ok, not quite, but we got
your attention! Sam certainly got ours.
Firstly,
I have a confession to make...this piece is not intended
to be a literally masterpiece in any way, shape or
form. In fact, its somewhat of a "hack"
in its current form. It was put together at 1.30am,
some 6 hours to go before I am a guest on Sam (and
Greg's Evan's) radio program.
Kekovich
and Evans are "on the ball". They know that
their radio program needs more hard edged, in your
face types, and folks that are not afraid to speak
out against the Australian media business, and pass
on ideas that will help improve it.
What
does Mediaman like about Sam? He's politically
incorrect, brash and likes to "stick it up some
folks". You know it makes sense what we are outlining
here.
So,
who is Sam? Slamming Sam Kekovich was the hard man
of the VFL back when men were men and so were some
of the women tennis players. Nothing moved on the
North Melbourne half-back flank without his written
permission!
Mediaman understand guest don't appear on Sam's
radio program without his saying so. Your a smart
man Sam.
"Sam
has kicked on strongly and now shares his weekly wisdom
with all those who needs help, and that's all of you."
Greg
"Media Man" Tingle is delighted to pass
on some of that wisdom to a growing national, and
indeed, international audience.
Sam
is heard on Melbourne airwaves weekdays from 5.30
to 8.30am. Just one of the highlights of the program
is Talking Television with Peter Lawrence, where Media
Man will liven things up, and make the program the
talk of the town.
Slamming
Sam, Greg Evans and Greg Tingle...now that would be
the perfect trio! You know it makes sense. Mediaman continues to put your name out there.
Some
classic stuff from "Slamming" Sam Kekovich
Ministerial
responsibility - 7 October 2003
Does
anyone remember the good old days? They were good
weren’t they? Cabbage was plentiful, and cheap,
and you could slap family members about when necessary
without having half your life being frittered away
in court.
Things
are different now. We used to have a peculiar notion
in government that ministers were responsible for
the actions of their departments.
The
current government has realised that a change is as
good as a holiday and changed the rules and added
a codicil which says that says that ministers are
accountable unless nobody told them nothing.
John
Milhouse Howard is a top bloke and has loads of friends.
These friends have realised that things work best
if they don’t ever speak to him. Accordingly,
nobody told him about kiddies not being thrown overboard,
about dodgy Iraqi evidence, about ethanol about Tony
Abbott’s Hanson fund.
Instead
of speaking to John they bought him a gift. It’s
a sign that says ‘the buck stops here’ and
there is an arrow clearly pointing straight out the
door.
“Nobody
told me” - It’s the phase of the age and
marvellously useful. I can’t see any reason that
it won’t work for all of us.
If
you’re in court and things are looking a bit
grim just wheel it out: “Nobody told me armed
robbery was illegal,” and off to the pub you
go.
If
I’d thought of it a few years back I could have
saved myself a bit of bother because I am almost certain
that nobody told me that it was considered impolite
to refer to Princess Diana at a public speaking engagement
on the occasion of her funeral as a half-witted parasite.
Knowledge
is a dangerous thing. I’m happy to go through
life without any. If it’s good enough for John
Howard, it’s good enough for me.
You
know it makes sense.
I’m
Sam Kekovich.
Lawyers
- 15th July 2003
“Now
that Gregory Peck is dead I’m willing to say
that Tom Robinson was guilty as sin. Sure Peck was
charming in To Kill A Mockingbird, but it was obvious
if it wasn’t for his smarmy language and cunning
use of legal loopholes Robinson would have got his
just desserts.
“Lawyers
on the whole, and without exception, are a bunch of
money-grabbing self-aggrandising parasites more interested
in propagating an archaic legal system than defending
the rights of mums and dads on Struggle Street.
“I’ve
recently learned that lawyers are barred from having
sex with their clients for the simple reason that
they can’t charge twice for the same service.
“Nine
out of 10 decent Australians are entrapped in their
lodgings, in fear of unfettered gangs of criminals
looking for new and creative ways to spend the time
they have had unexpectedly thrust on them by a soft
cock legal system that prematurely ejects them from
incarceration at every opportunity.
“The
only reason for owning a four wheel drive is that
barristers like riding bicycles.
“Criminals
are poor and drug addled, with the possible exception
of Rene Rivkin, which makes them bad credit risks.
Of course the ones who aren’t bad credit risks
are too bright to be caught, with the possible exception
of Rene Rivkin.
“The
sums are simple: successfully spend a month prosecuting
a crack addicted pickpocket and go home with nothing;
or sue a media commentator for a harmless jibe at
the mores of a B-grade celebrity of no fixed talent,
and be able to maintain the upkeep of the Beamer,
the mistress and the holiday house in Portsea.
“But,
as always, there are two sides to the story, and the
overpaid, underachieving consuls of media organisations
are so fearful of litigation they are advising that
on-air talent say nothing except for mentioning the
weather and the footy scores.
“And
the result, as always, it’s the mums and dads
on Cactus Cul-de-sac who suffer; their homes are encircled
by bored gangs of violent reprobates and their entertainment
polluted by armies of barely coherent strumpets and
half-wits.
“Criminals
are running amok and intelligent and free media commentary
is all but dead. And who’s to blame? Lawyers.
“You
know it makes sense.
“I’m
Sam Kekovich.”
DESERT FARMING.
Australia is one of the ten driest continents on one
of the most arid planets in the entire solar system
and water is naturally a constant concern for those
of us trying to make a living from the land.
Australia
is an urban society, with most people clinging to
the coastline, partly to escape dust storm debris
coating the gardenias, and the stench of bush fires
and rotting carcases, but mainly to be ready to fire
pot shots at boat people. City folk simply don't understand
how tough it is in the bush.
I've
been farming the Great Sandy Desert for the past 30
years. I am a rice grower, and I am bloody good at
it, but for reasons completely outside my control,
I am yet to turn a profit.
The
problem is lack of rain. To get the paddy fields viable
I need at least 50 mm a day. I've been averaging just
2mm a year and it's not nearly enough. My reaping
and threshing operations are world's best practice
but I have been unable to plant any seeds up to this
point.
Your
typical Asian loves rice and I could shift it by the
truckload if this cursed drought would only give me
a chance.
Luckily
whenever you shout cry "Drought' in a public
place politicians and media personalities rush you
with buckets of money. I have made millions buying
cheap property in the desert and not growing rice
on it. I am very proud that I own the largest rice
field in the world and, thanks to Channel Nine and
Alan Jones, one of the most profitable.
So
I'm diversifying. Look out for Slamming Sam free-range
quail, which I plan not to produce in a Collins Street
office block.
You
know it makes sense. I'm Sam Kekovich.
Legislation - 11 April 2003, 2003
I've
never met a push bike rider I haven't wanted to punch
in the face.
They
are a bunch of lycra-d poseurs who think its their
duty to bore everyone with gushing descriptions of
ferro-titannium frames and reconstituted quail-egg
forks.
Bicycle
riding is the ultimate mid life cry for help &
its flaccid men in flourescent tops and shaved legs,
plastered with Italian brand names like il wanker
and da poonce, coasting along in the middle lanes
of
highways, shouting at passing cars what more do I
have to do for you to run me over?
While
everyone's looking the other way I urge this government
to push through legislation to outlaw the scourge
of the social cyclist, and cockney house painters.
I've
never made it a secret that I don't like cockneys.
I don't like cockney painters and I don't like cockney
painters who after a fortnight of failing to finish
the living room, say in their twee-ist accent sorry
guv, but theres no accounting for the weather. When
you point out were in the middle of a drought and
that the living room is, in fact, indoors, they shrug
their fat pasty shoulders and whine 'we can only do
what we do.'
The
reality of modern diplomacy is that war only comes
around every decade or so, and the government should
take the opportunity to streamline the draconian laws
that have kept businesses ham-strung and
courts overflowing. Changes to Medicare, Human Rights,
Media Ownership are well overdue, and this government
would be fools to themselves, and us, if they failed
to push through as much legislation as quickly as
possible in case the war comes to a premature end.
Good
government isn't just about economics and law and
order and what better time is there to be the panacea
of society's ills?
Dentists,
taxi drivers, real estate agents, toll collectors,
academics, could all be whisked away with a couple
of signatures. I know shes not Australian, but I'm
sure you could get bi-partisan support that Renee
Zellweger should never make another film.
You
know it makes sense
Cliques - 16 May 2003
I
have been accused of being negative.
Recently
I presented a well thought out case that proved, beyond
reasonable doubt, that lycra-wearing, road-hogging,
middle-aged-men who spend weekends with their flaccid
buttocks swamping padded seats, and their food-corrupted
bodies being dragged along on reinforced titanium
frames, were less preferable dinner companions than
members of the former Iraqi regime.
A
self-evident truth, one would think.
I've
never received a fuller mailbag of self-righteous
invective; all non-sensical and badly written; mostly
in block letters with the pencil gripped so tightly
that it punctured the page.
Little
did I realise that apart from being a pathetic cry
for attention, that donning a pair of nicks and hitting
the road on a twelve thousand dollar pushbike was
a public admission of not having a sense of
humour. It seems that everyone has to define themselves
within a tribe.
Like,
I am hip to the new generation, I know my way around
a crack pipe; I can shotgun opium energy drinks with
the best, and I, Sam Kekovich, am gender fluid, as
long as there is no poofy stuff required, but I dont
feel it necessary to have a tattoo on my forehead
proclaiming me a member of generation twat
If
we've been happy to accept multi-culturalism as a
justification for eating Pad Thai, getting pissed
on Glosh Urq beer, wearing sweat shop runners and
watching Philippino snuff videos, then we have to
get beyond the idea that because we were born in a
certain year, or of a certain persuasion, that we
are inherently better than anyone else.
For
example R and B fans. Can anyone explain to me what
RnB is? It has nothing to do with rhythm, its got
nothing to do with the blues, its seems to be all
about undernourished pubescents in mid riffs singing
three octaves too high about how they're heartbroken
because their boyfriends won't pay their mobile phone
bills. It's post-coital music for virgins.
There
are two kinds of people in this world. People who
are people who are like us, and people who are so
insignificant and useless that they think joining
a clique gives them an identity.
You
know it makes sense.
Links:
Vote
Lamb
ABC
The FAT: Sam's column
Talk
1116 Melbourne Radio 3AK: Sam Kekovich profile
Talk
1116 Melbourne Radio 3AK: Greg Evans profile
ABC
Radio - Western Australia: You Know It Makes Sense
CD
Mediaman, Greg Tingle, interviews The Fat's Rebecca
Wilson
Mediaman: Sports News
Greg
Tingle bio
Comedy
Mediaman does not represent Sam Kekovich
For
enquiries please contact Markson
Sparks!
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